1
00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:02,316
It's so obvious he wants
to get back with me.

2
00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:04,956
You can tell by the
fact he doesn't say it.

3
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:05,956
I mean, he's just confused.

4
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,956
I'm doing what any
normal person would do

5
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,956
by giving him another chance.

6
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,956
I mean, what woman in the
world wouldn't get a job

7
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,956
where the person
who loves her works

8
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,956
just so she can make sure
he saw her face every day?

9
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:16,960
Answer me that.

10
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,956
Again, if you could
just follow the road

11
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,956
until I or the road signs
tell you differently. Fine.

12
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:24,956
Can we drive past his house

13
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,956
so we can make sure
he's home and alone? No.

14
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,956
I'm paying for these lessons,
so we are doing a drive-by.

15
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,956
For God's sake.

16
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,960
How's my hair look?

17
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:48,796
Oh, it's a magnificent sight.

18
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,956
So many fond memories of
being issued my first uniform.

19
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,956
And as I slipped the
custodian's helmet

20
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,956
over my once luxuriant locks,

21
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,956
I... I felt like a...
a newly crowned king.

22
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,636
I can just see you back then,

23
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,996
proudly displaying your
helmet for all to see. Yeah.

24
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,316
Halcyon days. Tit-head.

25
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:06,956
Beg pardon? The helmet.

26
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,956
It's what my dad
used to call them.

27
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,156
Well, he sounds like an
utter twat. No offence.

28
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,960
Hmm.

29
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,956
I don't think I've ever,
ever been this happy.

30
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,796
I mean, you must feel
the power now, right?

31
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,956
Just a uniform. How
can you say that?

32
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,956
Cos it's true. AFIA SIGHS

33
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,956
It's no different to the dinner
lady's tabard I used to wear.

34
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:32,316
No-one's gonna be scared
of a dinner lady, Geeta.

35
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:33,960
AFIA CHUCKLES

36
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,960
DOOR SHUTS

37
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,640
Put the gun down and step away
from the vehicle, you little bitch!

38
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:43,960
Yeah!

39
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,956
- Wow-ee!
- Oh, my God.

40
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,956
I look like a prick. No, you
actually look quite cool.

41
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,956
- I think I'm gonna wear
mine to bed. - Oi, oi.

42
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,636
MUTED LAUGHTER Hey.

43
00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:58,956
What have you done? What?

44
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,956
You know. Oh, yes. OK.

45
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:01,956
Yeah, I took my
measurements in a bit,

46
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,956
but I thought that's
what everyone did.

47
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,956
Plus, I want it to look
a bit more cinched.

48
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,636
There's cinched and
then there's crunched.

49
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:10,956
Oh, I can actually see the
outline of your, you know.

50
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:11,956
Baloney pony.

51
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:12,956
Yeah, see, what I
would've done, Dev,

52
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,956
is I would've got
my baloney pony,

53
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,956
pulled it up from the base,
obviously, folded it so it's flat,

54
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,956
like a paper aeroplane pre-flight,
tucked it underneath the waistband,

55
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,956
and, voila, that
is Bob, your uncle.

56
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,956
Dev, if you actually do
keep wearing those trousers,

57
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,796
you will never be
able to have kids.

58
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:28,956
Lucky bastard.

59
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,796
Yeah, you're waddling,
Dev, like a duck.

60
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:31,956
AFIA LAUGHS

61
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:32,956
You know, if you bend over,

62
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,956
all of us are gonna get to
see your little starfish.

63
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,956
That's right, yeah? Everyone
pick on the virgin...

64
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,956
LAUGHTER FADES

65
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,956
...is what you'd be doing if
there were one of those here. Hm.

66
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,956
Wow. What?

67
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,956
Oh, it's just you said
we was picking on you

68
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:47,956
because you's a virgin.

69
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,956
Yeah, you don't exactly give
off virgin-y vibes, Dev. No.

70
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,956
You talk about sex all the time.

71
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,476
What I meant was, it's
kind of a grey area.

72
00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,956
It shouldn't be grey, Dev. No,
no, no. It's the right colour.

73
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,956
Well, whatever colour it is,
it's none of our business, is it?

74
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:00,956
Yep. LEGGO: Right.

75
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,956
To be honest, yeah,
I just don't know

76
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,956
if I have actually properly
done it or not. Mm.

77
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:06,956
The jury's out...

78
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,960
...in one of the strangest
courtroom battles in legal history.

79
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,956
So, this is how we strip
you of your individuality,

80
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:19,956
how we homogenise,
emulsifying the fat droplets

81
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,476
so the cream doesn't
separate from the milk.

82
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,316
So that nobody stands
out from the...

83
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:25,996
Christ on a bike.
Sorry, Ma'am.

84
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,476
Er, there was a mistake with
the measurements I made.

85
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,956
Who'd you measure, Kylie
Minogue? GASPING LAUGH

86
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,956
No, Ma'am. I measured me.

87
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:33,956
Right.

88
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:34,956
Now, then, I'm sure
one or two of you -

89
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,956
not you, Hanzel, obviously -

90
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,956
but I'm sure one or two of
you is thinking, "Ooh..."

91
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,960
"might wanna take
this bad boy home.

92
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,956
"Try it out a bit."
Hmm? "Settle into it."

93
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,636
And do you know what? That's
not against the rules. Oh!

94
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,956
Maybe your friend's having
a fancy-dress party.

95
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,956
Yes! Helen! Lend it
to your friend Helen.

96
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:55,956
She's about your size.

97
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,956
No, my friend Helen's
actually taller than me.

98
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,956
Helen thinks, "Oh,
this is great!"

99
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,956
Starts bossing people
around a bit for a giggle.

100
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,636
Everybody's into it. My
Helen's quite introverted.

101
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:07,956
I think this is a
different Helen.

102
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,796
And then this Helen... Oh!

103
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,956
...notices that the
wine is running low,

104
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,320
so she pops to the offie.

105
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,956
But, oh, no! There's a holdup.

106
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,956
And when the guy
with the balaclava

107
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:19,956
and the machete sees
Helen, he panics.

108
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,956
Because Helen hasn't been trained,
she doesn't know what to do.

109
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,956
So the guy hacks
Helen's arm clean off.

110
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,956
Helen reels back, her blood
gushing over the Wotsits,

111
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,960
the Quavers, and the
pickled onion Monster Munch.

112
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,960
Before the paramedics
can get there...

113
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:38,960
...Helen has bled out...

114
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,960
...all over the uniform her
mate lent her for a laugh.

115
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,956
She's dead. Oh.

116
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,320
And there's nothing
you can do about it.

117
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,956
So, what do we think about that?

118
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,956
That's made me feel quite peckish.
I could murder some Wotsits.

119
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,960
Oh, Helen.
You were so young.

120
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,800
HE SOBS What have I done?!

121
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,960
Chief Superintendent Bob
Weekes, Head of Training.

122
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,960
Yes. Chief Superintendent
Bob Weekes speaking.

123
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,960
PHONE RINGS

124
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:44,960
Right.

125
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,956
So...

126
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,956
I had the massive weight
problem, yeah? And so did she.

127
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,956
And so when we tried to do it,

128
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,956
it was hard to tell which bit
was in and which bit was out.

129
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,956
Like, I-I-I didn't know if
I was in the right crease.

130
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,956
And so it's possible that
I might still be a virgin.

131
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:05,956
And I'd appreciate it if you got all
the way off my back about it, right?

132
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:06,956
It's all cool. Look...

133
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,636
I didn't pop my
cherry until I was 21.

134
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,796
And that was a disaster.
All right, yeah.

135
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:12,956
Yeah? Yeah, cool.

136
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:13,956
Good man.

137
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,956
Does anyone want a
cocky - er, coffee?

138
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960
No, I'm good. No. No, thanks.

139
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:20,956
21?

140
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,996
15. With a supply teacher.

141
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,956
Oh, my God. Were you
actually being nice?

142
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,476
Yeah, cos I was doing her a
favour. Proper munter, she was.

143
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:30,956
And he's back. Yeah.

144
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,000
Cocky?

145
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:41,956
Right!

146
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,956
Yeah, you almost look
like police officers,

147
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,996
which means...

148
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,956
Jesus Christ, what
have you come as?

149
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:50,956
Er, don't know, Sergeant.

150
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,956
The whole point of a uniform
is that we're the same. OK?

151
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,956
We're not individuals any more.
All right. So, what are we?

152
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,956
Not individuals any
more. Well, yeah.

153
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,956
Which means we're
what? A battalion.

154
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,156
No. Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

155
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,956
When we're all on the
same side, what are we?

156
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,956
Friends. More than that.

157
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,316
Lovers. Hmm.

158
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:13,476
We're all going to
work together as a...

159
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:14,996
...socialist
collective. All right!

160
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,956
Shut it! What is
there no "I" in?

161
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,956
Cabbage! What?

162
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:20,956
Mouse. Table lamp. Mercedes.

163
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,476
Sperm? Jesus!
What are Arsenal?!

164
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,316
The Gunners. Are
we Gunners now?

165
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,956
They're a team. They're a team.

166
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,956
- There's no "I"
in team. - Oh!

167
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,956
There's no "I" in
team! HE LAUGHS

168
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:37,476
Argh! What did I do to
deserve this fucking team, eh?

169
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:38,956
One tiny little
indiscretion on the streets.

170
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,956
No-one died.

171
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,956
OK, so, technically someone did.

172
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,960
HE WHINGES Shit happens,
yeah? Get a life!

173
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:49,960
Wankers!

174
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,796
Who's that? Well, that's Mike.

175
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,956
Yes, thank you, Paul.
Who's he talking to?

176
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,956
Oh, that's Steph. She's
Steph A and you're Steph B.

177
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:03,956
Wow, another Steph? Mm.

178
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,956
Wait, hang on. Why is she
Steph A? I should be Steph A.

179
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,956
You know, she's... she's
a little bit more...

180
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:09,956
A little bit more
what? More hotter.

181
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,956
And a bit more brighter.
And a bit floatier.

182
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:13,956
No. No, no, no. I'm
not having that.

183
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,956
Actually, who... Sorry,
who decided that?

184
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,956
Nature. I should be Steph A.

185
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:18,956
Just... can you just change us?

186
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,636
She's already Steph A on
Insta. Look. Bullshit.

187
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,956
No, I'm Steph A and she's
Steph B. Just switch it.

188
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,956
I don't think you can self-identify
another person on their behalf.

189
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,956
And logistically, it
would require emails,

190
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,956
face-to-faces,
forms being signed.

191
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:31,956
I want to be Steph A,

192
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,956
and I will literally,
physically be sick

193
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,956
if I have to be Steph B.

194
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,800
That was very Steph B of you.

195
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,960
WEEKES SNIFFS, COUGHS

196
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,796
So, leg, shoulders, and
then body weight, yeah?

197
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:17,956
Now, this hold only hurts the
assailant if they move, yeah?

198
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,956
Why don't you try moving,
Dev? I don't want to.

199
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,956
Well, just... just wiggle a
bit. I don't wanna get hurt.

200
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,956
Plus, this uniform's way
too tight to wiggle in.

201
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,956
I'll do it. I'll wiggle.
Yeah, course you will.

202
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,956
Er, nah. Nah, nah, nah, I
think everyone gets the idea.

203
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:29,996
Yeah, I think everyone
gets the idea.

204
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,956
I don't get the idea. Right.

205
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,956
I'm not
100%. AFIA: Same.

206
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,956
I'm actually... I'm
OK with the wiggling.

207
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,956
Some Stephs might not
be, but I am. MIKE SIGHS

208
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,960
OK, so, get down.

209
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,796
This is how I ended
up with four kids.

210
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,476
Now, once you have the
assailant on the ground,

211
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,956
you position your leg
between their leg, yeah?

212
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,956
And then you engage
the shoulder lock,

213
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,636
and you use your body weight
to pin them to the floor. Yeah?

214
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:58,996
Do you want me to... wiggle?

215
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,960
Er... yeah.

216
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:03,956
Oh. All right, so...

217
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,956
as you can see, I'm
able to keep her still

218
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,996
and keep us both safe
from any injuries, yeah?

219
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,796
Well, she's not exactly
fighting back, is she?

220
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:12,996
Yeah, well, if she does
try and thrash about,

221
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,956
it'll hurt her more
than it hurts me, yeah?

222
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:15,956
She is unable to... Oh!

223
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,956
APPLAUSE

224
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,956
You taught me that
on our first date.

225
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,956
Bravo.

226
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:26,960
So... obviously, don't
clap the criminal, please.

227
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,960
Psst! Oh.

228
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:36,956
You're never gonna guess what.

229
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,960
I found Superintendent
Spry's diary. Look.

230
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,956
"Monday, dump Tiny Tits Leslie."

231
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,956
"Tuesday, file report
on moronic recruit."

232
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,956
I mean, it's probably
Dev, bless him.

233
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,796
Is this relevant, Paul? Wait.

234
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,956
"Six thirty, Wednesday,
Wendy wax." Well, who's she?

235
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,956
A wendy's not a who, it's
a what. Well, what is it?

236
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,956
Put it this way - I've
got one, you haven't.

237
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:02,956
Oh!

238
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,956
So, is it an air fryer?

239
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,956
Ow! Where's the
flash drive, Paul?

240
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:07,956
I couldn't find it.

241
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,956
You failed? No, no.

242
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,956
I mean, just call
it a practice run.

243
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,956
Look, Daz walked in,

244
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:14,956
I had to put the
diary down my pants,

245
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:15,956
and he thought I was wanking.

246
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,956
Go do it for real.

247
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:18,996
What, the wanking? No!

248
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,956
Put the diary back before
she sees it's missing.

249
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,956
And go find the bloody
flash drive. OK.

250
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,320
Just go.

251
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,480
What are you doing?

252
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,636
Nothing.

253
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:57,960
Well, you're doing something.

254
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,956
W-Well, I'm in love with you,
so I was leaving you a card.

255
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,960
Where's... So, where...
where's the card?

256
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,960
In my mind. I beg your pardon?

257
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,956
D-Dear Bob, when I...

258
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,956
when I say that I love you,
I mean it from the heart.

259
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,796
A-And, you know, I want you, Bob.
I want... I want every inch of you.

260
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,956
I want every, you know,
nook and cranny and... Yeah.

261
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,956
Let me just stop you there.

262
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,316
Erm, I'm... I'm... I'm touched
that you feel like this.

263
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:23,476
And in many ways,

264
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,956
I'm surprised something
similar hasn't happened before.

265
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,956
However, I'm not a
fool, er, you know.

266
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,316
And all the business with
the card in the head,

267
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:32,956
it... it smelt a bit fishy.

268
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,956
So, I'd like to know
what's really going on.

269
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:37,960
HE CLICKS TONGUE

270
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,956
TikTok office dance trend.

271
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,480
Er, yeah, so...

272
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:45,956
Yes? Yeah, so, if
you just wanna...

273
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,960
Oh. There's a...

274
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,960
Oh!

275
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:55,960
Oh!

276
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,956
Hey, Aunty Nooch, I got
it! I got the flash drive.

277
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,476
Well done, Paulie.

278
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,476
You thought I was gonna
mess up again, didn't you?

279
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,956
But look at me now.
Where's the brown sauce?

280
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,956
What was that? Erm, chips.

281
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,476
What do you mean,
chips? What do I mean?

282
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,956
Couple of his chips were underdone.
Popped 'em back in the fryer.

283
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,796
Yeah, they were actually...
They were pretty raw, actually.

284
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,956
You're pretty raw, Huggins.
Shall I pop you in the fryer?

285
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,956
GASPING LAUGH No,
pl-please not, Ma'am.

286
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,956
Bring me some brown
sauce, will you?

287
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,316
And I don't mean a little
handful of them plastic condoms.

288
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,956
I want a jeroboam.

289
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,956
I shall be sat over
there by myself,

290
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,996
either due to a healthy
respect for hierarchy

291
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,956
or simply because
people don't like me.

292
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:33,960
Don't really care which.

293
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,956
Wow. That was close.

294
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:38,956
Ow!

295
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,956
PAUL SCREAMS

296
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:41,956
Only joking.

297
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,316
PAUL GASPS Fuck.

298
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,956
Julie, just, er... just
have a... just have a word.

299
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:47,956
Ju-Julie, if you, er... What?

300
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,956
Just want some...
Have you been pruning?

301
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,956
I don't think I want to share my
personal grooming habits with you,

302
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:53,996
thank you very much.

303
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,796
No, no. Not... Not...
No. HE STAMMERS

304
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,956
No, I mean, hunting down
the prune. Oh, right.

305
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,956
Our elusive infiltrator.

306
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,956
Well, I'm not gonna share that
information with you either, am I?

307
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,956
Given that a honking great
promotion might depend on it.

308
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,796
Anyway, I'm sure you are hot
on the trail, aren't you?

309
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:10,956
Well, yes, yes, yes.

310
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,956
I am like a Native American
tracker keeping my nose peeled.

311
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,316
And I've just got to do personal
hygiene first with group B.

312
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,956
Safety. Beg pard?

313
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,956
Personal safety. Yeah.
What... What did I say?

314
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:22,956
Hygiene. Oh, well, yeah.

315
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,480
It's-It's all connected, isn't
it? Better safe than smelly.

316
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,956
Right, then.

317
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:34,636
Personal safety role play.

318
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,956
It's late at night,
and there's... Ooh!

319
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,476
...aggro out on
the streets. Oh.

320
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,956
Ha. So, how do we keep safe?

321
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,636
Stay at home? No.

322
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:49,956
Well, yes, yes, but
no, no. Comm-uni-Cate.

323
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,956
You know, establish a connection
in order to stay safe.

324
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,156
Now, Mr Legland, I
want you to pretend

325
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,956
to be a troublesome teenager.

326
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,956
Shouldn't be hard.

327
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,956
Notice I've chosen
a young, white male,

328
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,636
because it would be wrong to assume
that a troublemaker would be...

329
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,956
HE STAMMERS We'd... We'd
be racial profiling.

330
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,960
But I wanna do the
acting. Well, you can't.

331
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,956
Now, the rest of you, come on,
let's defuse the situation.

332
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,316
Erm, name? Jackson.

333
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,956
Jackson. Up you
get, Jackson. Yep.

334
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:23,956
Now, establishing a first name is
a good way of building a rapport.

335
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:24,956
And action.

336
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,956
Erm, hello. What's your name?

337
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,956
Maurice.
OK. Hello, Maurice.

338
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:32,956
What you up to, mate?

339
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,956
Not gonna tell the filth
that, am I? HE SPITS

340
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,956
No, I'm not gonna put up
with that kind of behaviour.

341
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,956
So, you can just pack your
bag and... No, no, no.

342
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:41,996
Oh, it's you. It's him.

343
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,956
HE STAMMERS There you are.

344
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,956
Come, back you
come. Let's, er...

345
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,956
You can... You can just
pack it in and carry on.

346
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,956
So, Chabra, erm, assist Jackson.

347
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,956
And action.

348
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,956
Does your mum know
where you are, Maurice?

349
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,956
My mum is dead. Oh, my
God. I'm so sorry, man.

350
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,956
It's all right.
I got a step-mum.

351
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,956
Would she approve of you
insulting police officers?

352
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,996
Yeah, probably. She's doing
a 25 stretch for murder.

353
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,956
Oh, what's her name? Fanny.

354
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,956
- Fanny. Yeah, no, I think I know
her. - She's not real, Paul.

355
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:12,956
What? Leggo made her up.

356
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,956
And because he's such a
child, he used a rude name.

357
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,996
Child, am I? At
least I'm not basic.

358
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,956
What's that supposed
to mean? Nothing.

359
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:19,956
No, no, no, no. Go on.

360
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,956
That's right, engage
the troublemaker.

361
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:26,956
Basic. And I wouldn't expect my
ex-boyfriend to fall at my feet

362
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,956
just cos I'm flouncing around
his place of work every day.

363
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:30,956
Well, no-one's gonna
fall at your feet.

364
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,956
Yeah, well, difference is,
I don't expect them to.

365
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,156
His accent's slipping. I
should've done the acting.

366
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,956
Have you got a problem with me?
You're the one with the problem.

367
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,956
I'm just trying to help.
How are you helping?

368
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,476
I'm worried basic will
turn to desperate.

369
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:42,956
I'm not desperate.

370
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,796
Well, it kind of sounded
a little bit desperate.

371
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,156
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful
with that wand, Hermione.

372
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,956
CLAMOURING

373
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,316
Brutality! Brutality!
Sit down! Sit, you!

374
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,956
Brutality! Come on, sit, you!

375
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,956
Brutal. Sit! Oh.

376
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:57,956
You must never,
ever... ALL GASP

377
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,956
...strike the suspect!

378
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,956
Come on, we don't want
a public inquiry, do we?

379
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,320
You, hold that, hold that.

380
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,956
Right. That was some
brilliant acting, you guys.

381
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,960
Youse like thems Meryl Streeps.

382
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,956
SHE SIGHS Pathetic little twat.

383
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,956
Just cos I might be a virgin?

384
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,956
No, not you. Leggo. Calling
me things I just am not.

385
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,956
Well, to be fair,
Leggo was cool today.

386
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,956
You know, he made me feel OK
about the whole grey-area thing.

387
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,796
Yeah, he did do that.

388
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,956
But, you know, I could also
do that much better than him.

389
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,000
Could you? Yes.

390
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:03,956
OK.

391
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,636
SHE STAMMERS All right, mate.

392
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,316
Just... calm down. Don't worry.

393
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,956
Not everyone thinks you're a
weirdo or a sad little loser.

394
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,956
I didn't think they did. Good.

395
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,956
That's good, then. How
about undo a few buttons?

396
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,956
No, you look fine.
Not mine, yours.

397
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:19,956
Oh, yeah.

398
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,476
Even prime beef looks shit
when it's vacuum-packed.

399
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,956
Oi, Dev, is your blood flow all
right in them kiddies' clothes?

400
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,956
No, he's fine.

401
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,476
I was actually just saying what
an amazing body that Dev's got.

402
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,796
I mean, look at those guns.

403
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,956
And, Dev, oh, my God, yes, I will
go for that drink with you later.

404
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,156
Wow, sweet. What drink was that?

405
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,156
SHE CHUCKLES Shut up.

406
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,956
We'll go for that quick drink, and
then we'll head back to my place

407
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,320
to see if your blood flow is
reaching all the right places.

408
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:48,960
Is that the plan, is it?

409
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:50,960
Is what it is.

410
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,156
That's the last of them,
Sir. Thank you. Ah.

411
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,956
Flush out that arsehole
before Julie does,

412
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,956
and I reckon the top
job is in the bag.

413
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,956
Any... Any gut feeling?

414
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,996
Do you know what? I feel like Simon
Cowell putting together a boy band.

415
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,956
Mm! Or a girl
band. No bias here.

416
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,956
No. So, what I've done,

417
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,956
I've put on the left
here all of the recruits

418
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,956
that, er, strike me as
innocent, and on the right,

419
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,996
all those I instinctively feel
might... might be a little bit iffy.

420
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,480
Mm.

421
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:25,956
SHE GRUNTS Bob!

422
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:26,996
What is it? SHE STAMMERS

423
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,996
Well, look, look! Oh, my...!

424
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,956
Oh, fuck, fuck! Oh, my bum-bum!

425
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,956
HE STAMMERS How did
this happen, Melanie?

426
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,956
I don't know. I don't
know. Was it...? The wind.

427
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,316
The wind. The wind.
The wind blew...

428
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,956
Not the wind. People. People.
Somebody behind my back...

429
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,956
Why do people do
this? MELANIE GROANS

430
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:42,956
Why do they...? Er, Sir.

431
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,956
Gym requisition order,
could you sign it? No.

432
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,956
What? No. It isn't.

433
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,956
Isn't what? Well, th-th-there
we are. Well done.

434
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,956
Well, so, could you
sign it, then? What?

435
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,320
Now? Well, yeah.

436
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,956
Good. Yeah.

437
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,956
Y-Yeah, yes. OK. That there.

438
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:01,960
And that there. Just...

439
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:04,956
There you go. OK.

440
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:05,956
There. Whoa. Right.

441
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,996
Er, what's all this?

442
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,956
Mm? Th-This? HE EXHALES

443
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,956
This, this... Oh,
this? This! This.

444
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,956
They... They...
They're... They...

445
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,956
These on the right,
they're our, erm...

446
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,476
they're the recruits.

447
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:20,636
They're the ones
that I consider to...

448
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:21,956
HE INHALES ...to be...

449
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,956
To be the cleverest.
...the cleverest!

450
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,956
What, Dev Hanzel?
Brilliant mind.

451
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,956
MELANIE SCOFFS Abs...
quite brilliant.

452
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,956
Well, it goes to show it's often
the ones you least suspect. Yeah?

453
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:32,956
Yeah. See you in a bit.

454
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,960
WEEKES MUTTERS

455
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,956
STEPH LAUGHS

456
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,956
Oh, so, are we gonna do
your plan, then? The sex?

457
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,316
Oh, God, no. Oh,
right, of course.

458
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,956
Sorry, I thought it was obvious
that was all just a ploy.

459
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,956
To get me to have sex?
To get Mike to have sex.

460
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,996
With me? With me.

461
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,956
Oh, right. Gotcha. Yeah.

462
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,796
That's a bit of a relief.

463
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:06,956
What?

464
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,956
I just felt a bit
uneasy about that.

465
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,956
You didn't want to?
Nah, not really.

466
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,956
Why... Why didn't you want to?

467
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,956
I just... I just don't
wanna have sex with you. OK.

468
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,956
Can you not keep saying that?
Because people can hear you. Sorry.

469
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:18,956
Why don't you want to?

470
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,956
I-I'm not sure. It's
not your fault. It's me.

471
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,956
Fucking hell! Now
you sound like Mike.

472
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,476
Look, it's just when
you were talking

473
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,956
about the blood
flowing t-to my places,

474
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:28,956
I-I just felt a bit sick.

475
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,956
The thought of having sex
with me made you feel sick?

476
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,956
Don't feel bad. How
fucking dare you?

477
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,316
Look, I'm sorry. I won't
be having sex with you.

478
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,796
You will be having sex with me, and
you will bloody well enjoy it. OK?

479
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:39,956
Oh, OK.

480
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:40,960
Drink up. Oh, right.

481
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:43,960
Mm.

482
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,956
Not looking, but whatever
it is I'm not looking at

483
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,960
needs to be gone by
tomorrow morning.

484
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,476
You'll never get out
of here, Legland!

485
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:53,960
GASPING LAUGH

486
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,956
HEAVY BREATHING Whoo!

487
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,956
OK. Yeah.

488
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,956
And that, sir, is
how the sex is done.

489
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,956
It's probably gonna be downhill
for you now after me. Right.

490
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,956
Not sure I had done all
that, to be fair. Yeah.

491
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,960
It was really, really... Yeah.

492
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,636
Really what?

493
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,956
Yeah, no, I just... It
was just a bit thrashy.

494
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,956
Uncoordinated. A bit messy.

495
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,636
Sorry, how are you
giving me critique

496
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,956
when you were a 24-year-old
virgin ten minutes ago?

497
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,316
No, no, I'm not dissing
you. I just thought...

498
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:24,956
You know, I'm sure
you did just fine.

499
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,956
I was more than fine. I'm
very, very good at it.

500
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,956
Yes, of course. I
mean, what do I know?

501
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,320
I haven't got anyone else to
compare it to, have I? Exactly.

502
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,960
The thing is, I just
thought it would be...

503
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:36,956
Night, then.

504
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,960
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